She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
You Might Also Like
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.