Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
oh shit
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.