She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Finished stitching this today 😇
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs