@2tickytacky: She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she's gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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@TheBoydP: Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do. Me: ok *Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
@jobless4eyes: Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.
@rickkondell: The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
@iwearaonesie: dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says "Craftsman" dad: me: Are you crying?