She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*cough*
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)