She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
You Might Also Like
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
my mind
You just read my mind
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …