@kaatilana: Error 609: When your kid sleeps in between.

@runolgarun: saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

@theshamingofjay: I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.

@weezeebee: Being a zombie wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't for all the walking.

@kirkdiedrich: The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I'm not allowed in Subway.