SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.