@Beerhaze: She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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@tastefactory: Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
@joshuadun: I'm going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
@iamburtjarvis: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?
@OVO_Ty15: I'm gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it'd atleast be a little funny.