She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.