She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
c’mon!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is