I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
You Might Also Like
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.