I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!