Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
necessity is the mother of invention
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off