“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver