Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Sending in my taxes
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them