*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?