she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
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ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Oh my God.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all