she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Guilty! 🤪
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists