@tupactopus: she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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@NYC_Blonde: I told the barista my name was "Britney Spears" just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with "annoying white girl" written on it instead
@Ygrene: [Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really
@JohnLyonTweets: [hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.
@filmbizpro: Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.