she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
dutch so unserious
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.