she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.