She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”