She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.