She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad