@AndyAsAdjective: She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I'm over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what "hither" means.
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@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@Pro_Jones_: Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* "sketchy". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
@goldengateblond: There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "shut up baby, you're not the one going to work."
@TheNardvark: If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."