@thedadonline: [army training] Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

@mijamtweets: Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, "Like That '70s Show!" and I clarified, "More like Making a Murderer."

@Jenny4ashley: I haven't been around a baby in so long I can't even remember how to put their leash on.

@nayele18maybe: If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@InternetHippo: genie: your last wish? [hillary looks upon all of the world’s suffering and nods] ... [somewhere in vermont a piano falls on bernie’s head]