she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?