she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Good morning.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.