“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.