Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I find a duck鈥檚 opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 馃
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
You know you鈥檙e a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today鈥檚 repast was magnifiqu茅
MCDONALD鈥橲 CASHIER: what
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.