*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it