Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today