If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Breaking news:
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?