Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL