I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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My whole life was a lie.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*