*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
If only.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
how high up are we talkin’?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.