MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
What’s this sorcery? 😂
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie