gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure