She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Breaking news:
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal