She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
You Might Also Like
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The real reason evolution started..😂
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
CRYING
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds