She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
don’t be scared
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied