She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
You Might Also Like
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy