We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.