If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Pot warmers of the day.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine