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@mattgallo123: She said no!
*sobs tears of joy*
-me after proposing
@Aspersioncast: If I've learnt anything from Zombie movies it's that people meat is pretty damn stringy.
@DillDoes: [god inventing animals]
okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella
made out of jello
and it electrocutes things
@crushingbort: Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling "white people milk" and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street
@causticbob: How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
@david8hughes: [at work]
"Mornin. You're late today."
[looks at watch]
"Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"