sigh
You Might Also Like
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*