saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”