She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal