She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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*leads a conga line off of a bridge
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Happy Taco Tuesday
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.