She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
2022: I can fix it
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.