@earfdae: She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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@mishakey: My kid's teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I'm like I do. I'm player 2.
@AnkCoupleTO: *84th flr* CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up? M: Heard Van Halen's "Jump"? CW: Sure! Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
@ExcuseMyTweets: It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy.
@sixfootcandy: [at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?