@earfdae: She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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@IcyAndSpicy: Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life. I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
@cepheusjackson: [SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
@garbagecoven: i couldn't remember the word "counting" so i told my friend to "do the number alphabet."
@LeonEarlgrey: They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.