@earfdae: She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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@Tuna_Lover: I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one's.
@MarfSalvador: Cop: He's getting away! Quickly, cut him off! Criminal: Get outta my— Rookie: STOP TALKING
@Parentpains: When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
@d_duhwit: Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped. Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it Scientest: So u can.. Me: Track my bowl movements, yes