If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You Might Also Like
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
was Jim off killing horses or…
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful