[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
That stupid look on my face, is my face
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.