The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted