someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad