She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.