She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
There’s no “us” in nachos.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.